


KA KA

by A Sirius Crush On Moony (Obsession137)



Category: Multi-Fandom
Genre: But I need it posted so my friends can read it, F/M, I'm not even properly tagging this as I don't want anyone to read, M/M, Multi, Other, Please don't read if you don't want to lose all braincells, Pure Crack, Written for my friends not meant to be serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:40:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24259804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsession137/pseuds/A%20Sirius%20Crush%20On%20Moony
Summary: This was written are pure crack as a meme with me and my friends.  It's not supposed to make sense and it's not even really for public consumption unless you're as sick minded as me.  I only posted it so my friend's can read it easily.  It's multi-fandom, multi-ship, completely out of character and genuinely won't make any sense.  But I guess if you want to read it then go for it?
Kudos: 4





	KA KA

**Author's Note:**

> This was written are pure crack as a meme with me and my friends. It's not supposed to make sense and it's not even really for public consumption unless you're as sick minded as me. I only posted it so my friend's can read it easily. It's multi-fandom, multi-ship, completely out of character and genuinely won't make any sense. But I guess if you want to read it then go for it?

The night was cold, blistery cold. People wore fur coats, the snow fell slowly, gracefully laying a white blanket over the scenery. Luckily, the students of Hogwarts were all inside the castle on this wintry night. Winter had come, and it was deadly outside. It was almost impossible to see anything outside the window apart from the snow and the darkness, but if one was to look closely, they would see a silhouette in the snow a few feet out of the Fobidden Forest. The silhouette was unmoving, eerie. If one was to grab a pair of binoculars, they would notice that the silhouette was in fact a young boy, no older than sixteen, sitting solemnly in a wooden wheelchair – it was none other than Bran the Broken. 

Bran was staring at the castle, unbothered by the cold, and his eyes were white. He must have been somewhere else entirely.

KA, KA.

A crow flew through the window and landed on the bed, which creaked absurdly loudly as Ron Weasley ploughed hard into Peter Pettigrew’s fat ass. Pettigrew was squealing loudly like a pig about to be slaughtered. 

KA

The crow watched the young ginger grab Pettigrew’s hair and force himself in deeper. The crow watched as Ron pulled Peter’s head up to whisper obscenities in his earwax-filled elvish-looking ear.

“Scream for me Wormtail,” Ron whispered, lightly nipping at the rat’s earlobe. “Scream for me so that all of Hogwarts can hear what a rattish little slut you are.”

Wormtail obliged. He screamed and squealed and squirmed and called Ron his Master.

KA KA KA

“Oh, _GOD_ , my sweet Worm,” Ron panted, sweat dripping off his body and onto the mattress. “I want you to cum in my mouth.”

He released Peter, letting the flabby lad fall onto the sweat-soaked mattress, which wobbled like a jelly with his weight. 

“Scabbers, pls,” Ron begged. “I need your ratsflow. In my mouth.”

Peter did as he was told; he got up, knelt next to Ron’s face and started jerking his miniscule cock as fast as he could possibly manage. He was totally out of breath and read to pass out any second, when suddenly out of nowhere a jet of stickiness spurted from his cock and into his lover’s waiting mouth. 

KA 😊

Ron lapped up the gooey substance like it was his favourite beverage – Merlin, it _was_ his favourite beverage. Ratsflow was Ron’s guilty pleasure.

After swallowing every last drop, Ron smiled up at Wormy. “That was bloody brilliant,” he said. “Wait till I tell Harry.”

“You can’t tell him,” Wormy pleaded. “He’ll never accept me as your lover.”

“Why the bloody hell not?”

“I did bad things.”

Ronald scoffed. “The only bad thing you did was not finishing that cheesecake at dinner. I’d have preferred a tubbier belly as I made love to you tonight.”

Wormtail stared lovingly at his boyfriend and planted a sloppy kiss on the freckled forehead. “I love you”.

“I love you too,” Ron said. “Now get over to that window so I can appreciate your godly body some more.”

“Okay Master.”

KA KA KA

Meenwhile, a couple of metres away from where Brandon Stark of Winterfell, Protector of the Realms and King of the Six Kingdoms sat, a raccoon sniffed about in the snow.

😊

He was a handsome raccoon, he didn’t smell half bad, and his tail was gorgeous and prestigious and any other animal would be JEALOUS of him.

“What’s your name, raccoon?”

The raccoon was surprised, nearly pissed himself there and then in the snow, and that would have been embarrassing seeing as it would have stained the pretty white snow yellow.

He turned to see a Dog™ facing him. The dog was large, black and scruffy. He had grey eyes and he was staring curiously at the raccoon. 

“Rocket,” the raccoon- Rocket – said confusedly. He was pretty sure animals weren’t meant to talk on this planet.

“Sirius,” The Dog replied. It looked unnatural. A talking Dog.

A young boy casually wheeled past in silence in his wheelchair, wheels magically moving themselves, leaving a trail behind him. 

“I don’t really want,” came a soft monotonous murmur from the boy, as he disappeared out of view.

KA KA

“You haven’t happened to see a rat crawling around out here?” Sirius asked Rocket, unphased by the mysterious wheelchair boy.

“A rat?”

“Yeah.”

“Unless you’re talking about me, I ain’t seen no rat,” Rocket said. 

“You’re not exactly a rat,” Sirius scoffed.

Rocket shrugged and sniffed his armpits out of habit. “Ain’t nobody like me but me.”

“Yeah… okay then. Well if you happen to see a rat, send him my way.”

Rocket grunted like Geralt of Rivia, a noise that sure shocked poor Sirius the Dog, and then Rocket disappeared down a hole that appeared in the ground.

Sirius stared, shocked. He tried to follow Rocket down the hole but it had disappeared. Shame.

(ding ding)

KA

Meenwhile, in the castle, on the east side, there was a room called the Room of Requirement. Inside the room was a man. Inside the man was another man’s dick.

“Fook, that hurts!”

“Shhh, sweet Crow,” Tormund cooed, slowing down a bit, but still keeping his dick firmly inside Jon’s ass.

“I can’t-“ Jon whined.

“I once milked a giant’s teats with my own mouth,” Tormund murmured seductively. 

“So?”

Tormund thrust a little harder in Jon’s ass, making the young bastard groan. “I want you to milk my cock like I milked those giant teats.”

Jon closed his eyes, his honour overcoming him. “I doont want et. I never have.”

Tormund sighed loudly, and pulled out, falling back onto the bed next to Jon.

“I’m sorreh,” Jon said sadly, with big puppy-dog eyes. “I’m just not… I doont want et.”

“You said.”

KA KA KA KA KA

“It’s just… she’s ma queen,” Jon said. “She will always be ma queen. I doont want et.”

“She isn’t here,” Tormund said. “She’s gone. You killed her.”

“But she’s ma queen,” Jon continued. 

The door to the Room of Requirement opened all of a sudden, and Jon and Tormund hastily pulled the covers over themselves so nobody would see them.

A boy in a wheelchair slowly wheeled into the room, casually circled the bed, all the while staring straight ahead, and then he left the room in pure silence. 

Just when Jon and Tormund thought they were in the all clear, as the door was about to close, somebody’s foot stopped the door from closing.

“Shhhhhh,” came a voice, followed by a giggle.

“Shh yourself,” came the second voice.

The door closed, and both men were in the room, one pressing the other lustfully up against the wall.

Jon peeked at them like a lil perv through the gap he’d made for air in the bedsheets. Two men, dressed exactly alike, like identical twins. They were both broad, muscular, blond and goddamn beautiful – if he did say so himself.

They both wore the exact same funny outfit with the American flag on it and a funny looking helmet with a chin pad. Their lips were both pink, as no boy’s lips should be. But these weren’t boys, these were men – these were _Captains_.

“Steve,” one of them said gruffly as the other fondled his dick through his tight patriotic suit.

“ _Steve_ ,” the other said, leaning into the other Steve’s touch.

“I can do this all day.”

“I know, I know.”

KA KA

A strap on. A fat red-head. A stick-thin Slytherin with greasy hair. She thought of him while she stroked her fake dick, but she couldn’t really see what she was doing because her saggy boobs and her protruding stomach were in the way. But she thought of him. The most beautiful man she had ever seen – Severus Snape.

His beautiful ebony black hair that glistened in the candlelight, his soft pale porcelain skin that rivalled even the moon. His crooked, twisted, but oh so pretty smile that made her fake dick twitch.

Lily Evans was not quick to fall in love. In fact it had taken several years and several puddings before she finally realised she was not only severely overweight at this point, but severely in lust with her best friend in the world, Severus Snape. She _wanted_ him. She wanted to fuck him. She had purchased this strap-on JUST so she could make sweet love to him in the astronomy tower.

Snape had no idea she was this filthy, but let’s be honest, he’d be totally down for this. 

KAKAKA

ka

Bran the Broken. He doesn’t really want. He wargs into a Raccoon that’s sniffling around underground and currently licking a God’s asshole. Bran honestly doesn’t mind. This God has a nice asshole. This God is cute.

KA

Sorry, back to Snily. Lily, slutty and needy, fat and ugly, wriggling around on her bed and trying to make herself cum from a plastic playtoy. 

“Oh, Snape,” she says softly, biting her lower lip and playing with her bewb. “Severus, yes Severus, oh _god_.”

**A wild Tobe appears.**

Lily nearly jumps out of her skin – she screams and scrambles to cover herself up but Tobey Maguire stands there smiling cringily at her.

“WHO ARE YOU!”

“It’s me. Tobey.”

“WHO?”

“You summoned me,” Tobey said matter-of-factly. “You said ‘oh God’ and I came.”

Lily looked flabbergasted. “You’re… you’re God?”

“The one true God, yes. I’m Tobe.”

“Wow.”

“That’s not a way to talk to your God,” Tobey warned.

Lily blinked. “Wh-what should I say, Mr Lord?”

“I-“ Lord Tobe was cut off as he saw a figure outside the window flying past on a broomstick. It appeared to be a rather sexy blonde American who was patriotic and righteous and made Tobey’s body react in the most exciting of ways.

“Oh boy yeah,” Tobey murmured, as he flung himself out of the window after flying!Steve and the fall was further than he would have imagined. He tried to use his webs to save himself but then he remembered he was Tobey Maguire and not Peter Parker, just _Tobey_ , and he sadly died.

RIP TOBE.

_And now his watch has ended._

KA KAKA

It was a sad day, the day Tobey Maguire was put into the ground. Of course, he had to be shot in the head first. They were all infected, no matter how they died. Daryl knew that better than anyone. He’d been surviving for long enough, he’d seen enough of his friends and family die to know. You had to get the brain.

A hand landed on his shoulder and Daryl sighed.

“He loved you,” Paul said quietly as they both stared at Tobey’s grave.

A tear dropped from Daryl’s eyes and Paul caught it with his tongue, which had just so happened to be randomly there.

“He’ll never know,” Daryl responded gruffly. “Never know how we felt.”

Paul frowned. “He knew. We might not have come out and actually said ‘Hey Tobey, we want a threesome with you’, but I know in my heart that he knew.”

That was enough to send Daryl over the edge; he broke down in his boyfriend’s arms, shaking with grief. Paul held him tightly, he’d never seen Daryl so distraught. As he looked over Daryl’s shoulder, he saw a boy watching them. The boy was sitting in a wooden wheelchair.

Paul stared at him and the boy stared back.

“That’s Bran the Broken,” someone said. Daryl and Paul broke apart to see who had spoken. It was no other than the most beautiful man in the kingdom, Thanos. 

“Why’s he just starin’ at us?” Daryl asked the titan. 

“That’s just….. what he does.”

“Okay then,” Paul said. “Come, Daryl. Let’s go back. I’ll put on my kitten suit.”

Out of nowhere, a blur zoomed past and suddenly stopped in front of them. It was King T’Challa, Legendary Black Panther.

“My King,” Paul said quickly.

Daryl bowed. “Your Grace.”

“We don’t do that here,” T’Challa said awkwardly. “I heard you want kitten play?”

“Yes,” Daryl replied. “Can you help?”

T’Challa scratched Daryl, leaving bloody cuts all over his skin.

“Oh my,” Paul breathed, horny as ever.

Daryl came then and there, on the spot, all over Tobey’s grave.

KA KA

😊

_Dear Diery,_

_Bich._

_RAB_

KA

In an empty classroom, Tony Stark was writing on the blackboard. The door opened and somebody entered.

“You’re late for your detention,” he said slowly, turning to see his lover. Sadly, his lover wasn’t there – someone else had walked in, a big black Dog.

“You seen a rat?” Sirius asked.

Tony: ???????????????

“Nah? If you see one, let me know, he’s missing,” Sirius said, padding out the room with his tongue out.

Tony blinked a couple of times. Had a dog just talked to him? 

Nevermind, he needed to get back into his roleplay before his teenage boyfriend walked in pretending to be his student.

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Bran the Broken. The snow landed on his eyelashes and his skin, melted slowly and made his skin shine in the darkness of the cold wintry night.

He was waiting. Quietly. Patiently.

“I’m going now,” he said, and nobody was around to hear him.

His eyes went white.

KA KA

“Where have you been?”

Ron shrugged.

“That’s hardly an answer, Ronald,” Hermione said, unimpressed. “A boy just _died_ on the Hogwarts grounds and you’ve been out and about! You could have _died_ , it’s so dangerous!”

“Lay off him,” Harry said, in the middle of receiving a blowjob from Dobby.

Hermione rolled her eyes in disgust. “I’d appreciate if you didn’t interrupt, Harry. You don’t really get a say, not when you’re… ugh. Please can you take that _elsewhere_?”

“I thought the castle was dangerous?” Ron said smugly.

“Yes, you’re right. Go to your rooms, both of you. Chip chop. Ronald, I want a full report tomorrow morning.”

Ron rolled his eyes and headed up to his room. Harry hadn’t seemed to be paying attention, he was far too busy getting the best house-elf head in the seven kingdoms. Ron was jealous – he wished his Scabbers was doing the same to him right now.

Ron got to his room to find Neville, Dean and Seamus praying.

“What the bloody hell are you guys do-“

“Shhhhhh, we’re praying.”

“ _Why_?”

“Lord Tobe is dead.”

All the colour drained from Ron’s already pale face. “What the fu-“

“Don’t swear,” Neville said, and to Ron’s horror, when he looked closely he realised that Neville had been branded by the High Sparrow. He was a servant of the Light of the Seven.

“Sorry, your holiness,” Ron said quickly, bowing his head at Neville.

“Lord Tobey Maguire had sinned, it’s clear to us now, but unfortunately his sin was too ingrained that he didn’t get a chance to atone. And now he’s gone. Have you sinned, Ronald Weasley?”

Ron gulped. He’d just fucked his pet rat who was also a chubby boy called Peter Pettigrew.

“No, your holiness.”

Neville nodded slowly. “Good. Now _pray_.”

KAKAKA

Meenwhile,

_Dear Diery,_

_Today I was in Charms and I saw Sirius and his “friends” outside being complete idiots, running rampage and causing mayhem. I don’t know why they’re all so immature. Especially POTTER. Ugh. That man is insufferable. No, why would I even call him a man? He’s a child. A stupid child with stupid hair and a stupidly nice arse, I just…._

_I will not continue that sentence. I am Regulus Arcturus Black. Potter is beneath me. I refuse to even write about him in my diary again._

_Yours sincerely,_

_R.A.B_

K-A-KA-KA

Little Sam cries and makes tiny noises.

Sam Tarly reads a book.

Sam Wilson watches enviously as Bucky and Steve fuck like dogs in the snow.

Sammy tells Anakin off because AGAIN he’s playing dramatic music as he walks through the snow but honestly he’s only walking into the forest to get some wood for a fire, and he really doesn’t need his theme tune played every time he so much as takes a step. GOD.

“You called?” Tobey, says, appearing.

“Aren’t you supposed to be dead?” Bellick asks.

“Who are you?” Dead!Tobe asks.

“I’m Bradley with the Bureau.”

“Oh. I’m supposed to know who that is?”

“I just said. I’m Bradley from the Bureau.”

Tobey looks confused. He cocks his head to the side. “First you said you were Bradley _with_ the Bureau and now you say you’re Bradley _from_ the Bureau. I’m not buying this.”

Bellick was about to speak when suddenly a fur-coated figure appeared out of nowhere and shoved him to the ground.

“Be careful!” the fur-coated figure yelled.

Bellick wasn’t happy. “I’m Bradley from the Bureau and you cannot knock me to the ground, I’ll have you _arrested_ -“

“-I don’t want et,” the fur-coated figure said. “I’m Jon Snaw, the bastard of Winterfell, and I’m telling ya now, this man – _Tobeh_ – he is dangerous.”

“Oh please,” Tobey said.

“He DIED,” Jon insisted. “He’s one of the armeh of the dead now. He’s lost to us.”

Bellick frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Aye,” Jon agreed.

“I gotta go,” Tobey said quickly. “I gotta deliver my pizza.”

“Bye!” Bellick called, waving him goodbye.

KA KA KA

“You’re late to your detention, young man,” Tony Stark said, turning round and this time seeing his young lover for real.

Spider-Man stood, his arms wrapped around some books, staring at Tony who was taking on the role as Charms Professor today.

“What do you have to say for yourself, Mr Parker?” Tony asked, stepping closer to the masked hero.

“You know who I am?”

Peter sounded a little different but Tony just shrugged.

“Of course I do, now take your seat, you’re late.”

“Oh boy yeah.”

Tony froze in place.

This wasn’t _his_ Peter. This was something else. This was something he’d only encountered in nightmares.

“You know who I am?” Spider-Man repeated in a less-than-friendly tone.

Tony’s mouth went dry.

“Tobey.”

KA KA KAAAAAAAAAAA

“Oh BROTHER!”

“Shhhhhhh”

“I mean, OH GOD OF THUNDER!”

“Shhhhh, sweet brother, people might recognise your dolcet tones.”

Loki squirmed beneath Thor as Thor expertly sucked his cock. Korg and Meek and even Doug watched from the other side of the room, every now and then cheering the brothers on.

Loki wrapped his hands in Thor’s blond hair and forced his brother’s head down further on his cock, trying to make the God of Thunder choke, but Thor was _good_ , real good, and he took the whole length without so much as a wretch.

All the while, Thor’s ass was being licked by Rocket Raccoon. 

A jealous boy in a wheelchair stormed past, almost so fast that none of them even noticed him.

KA

_Dear Diery,_

_I hate James Potter._

_RAB_

Ka ka KAKAKA

Ramsay was in the dungeons, in the process of literally fucking Theon Greyjoy in the ass with Theon’s own surgically-removed dick. Theon was on all-fours, screaming out in shame as his own cock fucked him. Ramsay Bolton took great pleasure on this torment.

He removed Theon’s dick from Theon’s ass, and brought it to Theon’s face.

“Suck your own cock now, Reek,” he said, grinning brightly.

“I- I, Master, I-“

“Open wide!” Ramsay sang gleefully, pulling Theon’s jaw open and stuffing his mouth with his own appendage. “There’s a _good_ boy. Well _done_ Reek, always so obedient. How do you like the taste?”

Theon shuddered and nodded while choking on the dick.

“Good boy. This might even be your new favourite hobby!”

Theon nodded again and gasped when Ramsay finally pulled it out of his mouth.

“You will suck Theon Greyjoy’s cock every day, Reek, am I clear?”

“Yes Master.”

“Good, very good. Now please excuse me while I go flay a man alive.”

KA KAKA

Peter Pettigrew was in the middle of taking a nice satisfying pee in a bush when he was found by two of his best friends, James and Remus.

“Is that Peter?”

“Is he _peeing_?”

Peter turned around, tiny dick still on show, and smiled brightly at his frens.

“yes its me and yes im peeing hey gems hey moony pls can we all go to bed together now?”

James and Remus shared an awkward glance and Remus shook his head sternly.

“Wormtail, we’ve talked about this.”

“pls”

“No,” James said. “It’s not happening.”

“oh”

Remus sighed. “Where have you been? We’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

“u care about me?”

James rolled his eyes. “You’re our friend. Of course we care.”

“love u 2 gems xxx”

James groaned and started walking back to the castle. Remus gestured for Peter to start following, which he did, hurriedly stuffing his cock back into his trousers. Remus followed closely behind Peter so he wouldn’t get lost again. That rat was a handful for sure.

KA KA

Bran the Broken. All alone in the wilderness. Not a soul around. White eyes as he Ka’d in the sky. Watching, taking everything in. He didn’t really want, not anymore. He was the three-eyed raven. He was Brandon Stark. 

KAK KA

Arya and the Hound fucked in the great hall. Nobody batted an eyelid. If they did, surely both Arya and the Hound would kill them in an instant.

Gilderoy Lockhart stared at his reflection in the mirror and kissed himself. He was the most beautiful man in the Bureau.

Rack Grams watched a nice music video on his phone. It involved his adorable little child Carl, singing an enlightening song called ‘Carl Poppa’. He was just getting to the good part, where young Carl said ‘Hamma lamma simma lamma’ when he was rudely interrupted by a wheelchair kid racing through the hallways and knocking the phone out of his hand.

His phone landed at the foot of none other than Bucky Barnes. The Winter Soldier picked up the phone and crushed it in his hand in an instant. Rack was in shock. He was about to slap Barnes in the face when he suddenly realised that was a very bad idea. This was the _Winter Soldier_. He shouldn’t antagonise. Instead he bent the knee, and Bucky let him go free.

Arya and the Hound climaxed together and it was quite beautiful.

KA KA KA

 _Dear Diery,_ Reglus wrote. As he was about to write the next sentence, the diary started writing something itself.

_Hello._

Regulus stared down in shock. He started writing.

_I’m Regulus Black. What is your name?_

He waited patiently, and the diary wrote back.

 _Tobey Maguire_.

Regulus slammed the book shut and threw it out the window. Much to his dismay, it happened to land on James Potter’s head.

James opened the book and read all the millions of diary entries about himself.

“Holyyyy shit Regulus loves me.”

“How’d you figure that out?” Remus asked, poking Wormtail every now and then to make sure he was still with them. Wormtail moaned hornily with every single poke.

“He wrote it in his diary.”

“What exactly did he write?” Remus asked.

James cleared his throat and read from Reg’s diery. “Potter is disgusting. I want to see him expelled. I wish I didn’t have to see his disgraceful face around all the time, it offends me to no end.”

“No offence, Companion, but that doesn’t sound like love,” Steven said with a strong American accent and a proud smile.

“Who are _you_?” James asked.

“Lord Steven of House Rogers. And yourself?”

“pls,” Wormtail interjected, eyeing Steven lustfully. “im pitir pettigrew and i like u pls can we get it on?”

“Absolutely not,” Remus said angrily, shoving Peter forwards. “I apologise, Lord Steven, about our friend’s unholy behaviour.”

“It’s fine,” Steven said smugly. “I like flirting. I can do it all day.”

The three Marauders walked away.

KAKAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Brandon the Broken.

KA

Down in the dungeons, Reek was getting whipped relentlessly by a whipping charm whilst Ramsay watched in satisfaction. He was busy eating a sausage, pretending it was Reek’s dick. It tasted so delicious, juicy, succulent, just as he imagined the Ironborn’s dick would taste.

A slam of a door, and Ramsay was broken out of his sausage dreams. He stood up and a woman walked in. She had long black curly hair, a wicked smirk on her face and her boobs were pretty hot. 

“This is a private dungeon,” Ramsay said, while eyeing up the literal sex on legs in front of him.

“I’m Bellatrix of House Lestrange.”

That was enough to make Ramsay go weak at the knees. He’d heard of her highness, of course, but now she was standing right here, full cleavage on show. He respected her more than anything, he aspired to torture as good as her.

“I hear you have a particular expertise in twisted torture,” Bellatrix drawled, glancing at Reek with a sadistic smile.

“I do, My Lady,” Ramsay said, eyes lighting up. “Do you need my assistance?”

“I have a certain… need for your talents, yes.”

“But, My Lady, you’re Bellatrix of House Lestrange,” Ramsay said. “Surely you’re as good or _better_ at torture than I am?”

Bellatrix sighed and in an instant she removed her face like it was a mask. Ramsay fell over in shock, as underneath, she was not half as sexy. She still had long dark hair but she looked disgusting. He was disgusted.

“I’m Yennefer,” she said. “And I need you to torture someone for me.”

Reek, in the background, desperately needed to piss but didn’t know how.

Anyway, back to the story. Yennefer clicked her fingers and suddenly a man appeared, who was bound and crying.

“This is Jaskier. He’s trying to steal the man of my dreams, Geralt of Rivia. Please torture him and remove his… appendage.”

“It’ll come at a cost,” Ramsay said, giving the young bard a weird look. He looked strikingly similar to him, they could almost be brothers from another mother. It was weird.

“Anything.”

“Show me your tits,” Ramsay said.

Yennefer rolled her eyes and lifted up her shirt, to show two saggy milksaccs. They wobbled around a bit. It was simply mesmerising.

“Is that all?” Yennefer groaned.

“No, please go and feed my pet over there. He’s thirsty.”

Yennefer glanced up at Reek who was desperately shaking his head. He couldn’t drink anything else, he was desperate to pee as it was, and this would only make things worse. How does one relieve one’s bladder without a dick anyway?

“Go on, he’s waiting,” Ramsay said, gesturing for Yennefer to feed the animal her juicy milks.

Yennefer shuffled over towards Reek while Jaskier giggled into his gag and Ramsay watched with pleasure. Her bouncy saccs got nearer and nearer to Reek’s face and he was resisting.

“Reek! Do as you’re told!”

“Yes Master!” Reek cried, and took one of Yennefer’s nipples in his mouth. The milk tasted sour and repulsive and he needed to puke but he didn’t want to humiliate himself further. Every drop of Yen Milk™ that flowed down his throat added to his pee desperation and that was a torture in itself.

Meenwhile, Ramsay stepped closer to Jaskier and ran a finger over his skin.

“You’ll be my new toy.”

KA KA

Sirius was a human again. He was exhausted after his long day of trying to find Wormtail who had actually turned out to be peeing in a bush on the outskirts of the Hogwarts grounds the entire time. He was snuggled up alone in his bed, having dreams of Remus Lupin, his beautiful werewolf boyfriend. He yawned and opened his eyes when he felt the bed dip.

Sitting on the bed next to him was the boy he’d just been dreaming of. He looked gorgeous, smiling down at Sirius and running a hand through Sirius’s long black hair.

“Rem,” Sirius croaked, taking Remus’s hand and planting a kiss on the back of it.

“I like watching you sleep,” Remus said softly, not shifting his gaze at all. “It’s fascinating to me.”

“Who are you, Edward Cullen?” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“As a matter of fact….” Remus said, grinning maliciously, and pulling at the skin of his face, pulling it off like a mask and revealing the sparkling complexion of Edward Cullen underneath.

Sirius shit himself. Literally.

“Your blood…” Edward said slowly. “It’s like… a drug to me… just one taste…”

Sirius flung his own shit at Edward, messing up his “perfect” marble skin, and ran for his life, turning back into a dog and cowering underneath a random wheelchair kid’s wheelchair.

KA KA KA

The cutest couple in the castle (Bartylus hehe) were in their dorm cuddling and kissing and being just really damned adorable.

“I love you.”

“I love you back.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you the most.”

Cuddling. More cuddling. They are literally so CUTE. Staring into each other’s eyes, revelling in each other’s touch, wanting to be together forever. The cutest couple Hogwarts has ever seen, it’s impossible for them to ever break up.

KA

They jumped and sat up in their bed, still holding hands when a crow landed on the end of their bed.

“There’s a letter attached to its foot,” Regulus said, leaning forwards to retrieve the letter. The crow nipped his hand harshly as he took the note from its foot. He was bleeding profusely.

“Are you okay?” Barty asked, trying not to faint from all the blood.

“I’d be careful,” Thanos said, making everyone jump.

“Where did you come from?!” Barty exclaimed. 

Thanos ignored his question. “There’s a mad vampire in this castle called Edward and if he gets a whiff of that blood, you’re dead.”

“Okay?” Regulus said.

“Well, bye now,” Thanos said, and instantly disappeared as though he’d never been there.

Regulus handed the note to Barty so he could go to the bathroom and clean up the blood from his hand.

Meenwhile Barty opened the note and started reading:

_‘Hi. This is Bran the Broken. Regulus loves James I saw it in his diery. LOL’_

Barty scrunched up the note and hurled it at the bathroom door, just as Reg was walking out, and it hit him in the eye. His eye fell out. It was literally hanging from it’s socket.

“YOU LOVE JAMES!”

“MY EYE FELL OUT!”

“I DON’T _CARE_ , YOU LOVE JAMES.”

“MY _EYE_! Help me!”

“Find a new boyfriend to help you. We’re _over_ ,” Barty said angrily, leaving the room and Regulus forever.

KA KA

“Four dead bodies,” Bellick said, looking confused. “Who could be behind this?”

His police partner, Rack Grams, looked closely at the four dead bodies and hummed. “I’m saaansing a pattern.”

“Like?”

“Kang T’Challa, Kang Joffrey, Kang Ezekiel and KANGsley Shacklebolt.”

Bellick was even more confused. “I don’t get it.”

“The kaller only kalled _kangs_ ,” Rack said.

“Oh! I learnt about this in the Bureau.”

“I don’t care,” Rack continued. “I bet this was the Kangslayer. Jaime Lannister.”

“OMG I THINK IT’S JAIME LANNISTER!” Bellick yelled.

“I just said that,” Rack said with irritation.

“Oh.”

“Wanna watch a video of my son sanging?”

“Sure thing,” Bellick agreed, licking his lips and getting his dick out to prepare to wank along to the video.

KA KAKA

😊

In the middle of the Forbidden Forest, a young Lord wandered, looking quite dashing. His name was Loras Tyrrell. Such a pretty boi. He had to hide in the Forbidden Forest all the time because all the girls and guys were after him. It was relentless. But they didn’t know he already had a lover. Robb Stark of Winterfell.

Loras and Robb had a hiding spot out in the middle of the Forest. He was on his way there to meet Robb right now, but he had a strange sense that he was being followed.

He shrugged it off, as he knew there were creatures in the forest anyway. It was probably just a gigantic spider or something – nothing to worry about.

Little did Loras know that he _was_ being followed, but not by a spider, by Lawd KM.

KA KA KAKA KAAAAAAAAAAAA

Brandon the Broken. He was the three-eyed raven. He could never be lord of anything. He let his eyes roll back into his head and warged into Rocket Raccoon again, who was now licking his own asshole. As far as raccoon ass goes, Rocket tasted pretty good. Brandon would have to add raccoon ass to the growing list of Life’s Greatest Pleasures. It was a book he was planning on getting published, his life goal was to get it on the Hogwarts curriculum, so that everyone could experience Brandon’s Pleasures.

KAKA

A large man called Hodor stumbled across the Hogwarts ground and stopped in front of a huge tree. This tree was legendary – it was the tree in which Bran had become the three-eyed raven. Hodor had great respect for this tree. It was the Whomping Willow, more commonly known as Groot.

“Hodor.”

“I am Groot”

“Hodor?”

“I am Groot”

“Hodor,” Hodor laughed.

“I am Groot,” Groot giggled.

“HODOR!”

“I am GROOT!”

Hodor could barely contain his excitement. “Hodor.”

Groot shook his branches. “I AM GROOOOOOOOT!”

“I doon’t want et,” came Jon’s whiny voice as he walked past them in a sulk. “She’s ma queen.”

Groot shrugged. “I am Groot?”

Hodor shook his head. “Hodor.”

KA KA KA

Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were best friends and they were also buddies, but most importantly they were _lovers_. Passionate lovers. 

Currently, Bucky was wearing nothing more than his metal arm and Steve was wearing nothing more than a slightly see-through American flag, that was wrapped around his waist like a towel and only just covering his monster cock.

“I want you,” Bucky growled. “In me.”

“Come over here and get me then, Buck,” Steve teased, lifting the flag up a little to reveal his balls.

Bucky drooled.

“You like my balls, Buck?”

“I love your balls.”

Just as Bucky was about to move closer to Steve to fondle his balls, Oliver Wood appeared.

“Ah, the Bludgers! Wondered where they’d gotten to!” Oliver said, sounding relieved. Without so much as a warning, he plucked both Steve’s of balls from his body as though they weren’t actually attached. 

“Oh, and there’s the bat too!” Oliver said, casually picking up Steve’s dick too and placing all three Quidditch items in his Quidditch box.

“Excuse me, that’s my boyfriend’s private bits,” Bucky said, angrily. “Give them back!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Oliver shrugged. “These are my Quidditch items.”

Steve nodded solemnly. “It’s true, Buck.”

“It’s… what?”

Oliver walked out, leaving the American bois to talk.

“I don’t actually have a dick or balls, I’ve just been stealing Bludgers and bats from the Quidditch supply for years and painting them to look like male privates.”

“This is insane!”

“I know, Buck, I’m sorry.”

“I’m _so_ turned off now,” Bucky said, folding his arms childishly.

“I understand,” Steve said righteously.

KAKAKA kakaka 😊

Barty was walking by the Black Lake, trying so hard not to cry. He couldn’t believe that Reg was in love with James. It was ridiculous. Reg was supposed to be his soulmate, his one true love. He wanted to get eaten by the squid and die because _that_ would be less painful than what he was going through.

He was broken out of his suicidal thoughts when he heard some squeaky wheels getting closer to him. He turned and looked, and it was none other than Bran the Broken. Barty was about to speak, but the way Bran was staring at him made him unable to open his mouth.

After an excruciatingly long silence, Bran spoke.

“You looked beautiful that night,” he said in a monotone. “The night you broke up with Regulus.”

Barty tried not to cry again. “That was ten minutes ago!”

“You looked beautiful.”

Barty was really angry but didn’t want to attack a kid in a wheelchair so just stormed past him.

KA KA

Lily flushed her head down the toilet. Lol that’s it, that’s the joke.

KA

Severus Snape _used_ to love Lily Evans, but ever since she’d got that fake dick she’d become a different person and Snape just wasn’t into that type of thing. He liked a _real_ dick and a _real_ man.

That was why, when a porky man called Bradley from the Bureau or with the Bureau or something came and asked him out, Snape happily accepted.

They were mostly a functional couple, but that was just in public. In private, there were some interesting things that went on.

Bradley Bellick had a Mummy kink.

Snape loved the man so much he went with it. He let Bellick call him Mama and he even invented a special spell to allow himself to breastfeed, but since his body doesn’t produce milk, it’s cum that seeps out of his greasy nipples.

He holds Bellick in his lap, cradling him like a small baby.

“Such a good boy, aren’t you,” Snape coos while Bellick swallows cum like it’s water and he’s dying of thirst. He can’t get enough of his Mama’s cum milk.

“Suck up all of Mummy’s milk, won’t you?”

Bellick nods enthusiastically. His dick is exceptionally hard now and even when Tobey walks into the room neither of them even care. When Tobey starts videoing them, they don’t care. When Tobey laughs at them, they don’t care.

They’re in Mummy-and-Baby bliss.

KA KAKAA

“What are you going to do to me?” Tony asked, backing up against the blackboard away from Tobey, who had now removed his Spider-Man mask and was grinning evilly at him.

“Why… I’m going to _kill_ you,” Tobey cackled.

Tony hated the fact that he left his Iron Man suit at home hanging in the garden for drying. He knew he should always take his suit everywhere. Now he’d die by Tobey’s hand and there was nothing he could do to stop him.

Hopelessly, Tony grabbed a book and threw it at Tobey’s head, and it hit him, but Tobe didn’t die.

“I fell out of one of the highest windows in this castle and then got shot in the head,” Tobey drawled. “I cannot die. I am GOD.”

The last thing Tony saw was Tobey’s face flying towards him like a tennis ball, as Tobey screamed like a maniac.

KA KA

“Did you know the Quidditch pitch is now an ice rink?” Harry asked Ron and Hermione.

“What?”

“How?”

“Yeah, there’s a show about to start – Steve On Ice. Shall we go and watch it?”

“Sure, beats sitting around here,” Ron said, getting up.

“I have homework,” Hermione said, although the thought of watching Steve On Ice did appeal to her.

“Homework will still be there later tonight,” Harry pointed out.

“Oh, fine. Honestly, this better be good!” Hermione said, closing her book and following the boys as they headed down to the newly created ice rink.

As they passed the Great Hall, they spotted a wheelchair kid. They tried to awkwardly shuffle past him but the kid grabbed Harry’s arm both his and Harry’s eyes went white.

“Let go of him, you creep!”

“Stop it!”

Ron and Hermione were in hysterics, about to go to Dumbledore to get the wheelchair boi in trouble, but then he let go of Harry and stared up at the ceiling majestically.

“What is it?” Hermione asked.

“A prophecy,” Bran said.

“Prophecy?” Harry asked.

Ron was busy thinking about ratsflow and trying not to get a hard-on.

“When the sun and the moon converge, two souls will join and merge.”

With that, Bran mysteriously vanished.

Harry and Hermione shared an uncomfortable look of dread, as Ron came in his pants thinking of Wormtail.

KAKKA KA

Tormund paced back and forth trying to figure out how he could make his boyfriend, Jon, actually want to have sex with him. Maybe he could purchase a Daenerys Targaryen cosplay outfit. Dress in slutty dresses and dye his hair blonde, stick some socks on down his dress so they looked like boobs.

He was lost in his thoughts when Bran approached him.

“Tormund Giantsbane,” Bran said.

“Bran?”

“You looked so beautiful that night,” Bran said slowly. “That night when you made love to Jon.”

“That was tonight,” Tormund said, feeling awkward. “You saw that?”

“I see everything now. I’m the three-eyed raven.”

Tormund was desperate. He got down on his knees and pleaded. “Please, Bran. Tell me how I can get Jon to have sex with me without thinking of the dragon queen.”

“I have to go now.”

Bran’s eyes went white, and he was outta there.

KA KA

Geralt was trying to find the bard. Annoying as he was, Geralt had a soft spot for him and didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. He’d been missing now for five hours and that could only mean catastrophe. He tracked Jaskier’s scent and it had brought him to this castle called Hogwarts. He neared the castle, sniffing the air, trying to find his Jaskier…. wait, did he say HIS Jaskier? He didn’t mean that. The bard was annoying AF.

“Who goes there?”

Geralt stopped in his tracks and turned to face the voice. There was a man who locked shockingly similar to him. He had the same jawline, the same long blonde hair, the same look in his eye.

“Geralt of Rivia.”

“Lucius Malfoy,” the other blondie said. “You’re trespassing on school grounds. What is your business here?”

“I’m looking for a… a friend, shall we say,” Geralt said, starting to feel irritated.

“I can guarantee he won’t be here,” Lucius said smugly. “Hogwarts security is top notch, not a single non-student can get in.”

“Hm.”

The two men stared one another down for thirty-six minutes until Lucius needed to pee.

“I’ll be right back,” Lucius said. “If you so much as move-”

“Hm, you’ll kill me?”

“Exacelt.”

Lucius hurried off to pee, and Geralt immediately made his way to Hogwarts. He would find his bard… THE BARD… not HIS bard. GOD.

Ka ka ka

At the far edge of the Black Lake, there was a sort of beachy area. There was a bit of sand and a coconut that someone had put there to make it feel more beachy. It was night time and freezing cold, but two boys found themselves sitting on the beach chattering excitedly amongst themselves.

Peter Parker (not Tobey, the actual Tom Holland one) and Barty Crouch Jr. Both boys were _obsessed_ with Star Wars, and both boys had happened upon the beachy area just as Anakin had emerged from the icy depths of the Black Lake where he’d been snorkelling minutes before.

Now the boys were sitting on the beach watching him swim and reminiscing about their favourite Star Wars moments. Sammy came and joined them, while getting irritated by Anakin’s lack of self respect.

They were in the middle of discussing The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise™ when Anakin came walking towards them. They started fanboying, even Sammy, and then Anakin dropped down onto the sand to join them all. He was wearing his Vader mask, breathing heavily.

“Can I touch it?” Barty asked, almost dying of happiness.

“I want to touch it!” Peter said, voice going extremely high.

“Take it off, it looks dumb,” Sammy said, annoyed.

Anakin did as Sammy said, took off his mask, and sighed dramatically, staring past all three of them and picking up a handful of sand.

“I don’t like sand,” Anakin said melodramatically. “It’s rough and coarse and irritating. And it gets everywhere.”

Peter suddenly went rigid and gasped. “OH GOD.”

“Shut up,” Anakin whispered, staring into the distance still.

“I think my boyfriend just died,” Peter said. “I felt it. With my Spider-Sense.”

“Spider-sense?” Barty asked. “Wait ARE YOU SPIDERMAN?!”

“WHA-NO! Why would you think that?”

“I don’t like sand….”

“YOU’RE SPIDERMAN OMG”

“My _boyfriend_ is DEAD,” Peter shouted, standing up quickly and running back to the castle.

Barty turned his attention back to Anakin, who was now eating sand.

KA KA KA

😊

Carol (from TWD) was grey-haired, wrinkly and just plain annoying. She was also Tony Stark’s ex-wife and Bran the Broken’s mother. And she had quite a temper. She had short curly hair and a determined look on her face. Her ex-husband was taking things TOO far now.

She stormed into the classroom where she knew Tony would be, probably fucking a fifteen year old kid.

“TONY STARK! STOP FUCKING THAT CHILD AND THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN CHILD! WHEELING HIMSELF AROUND IN THE COLD OUT THERE, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIS _FATHER_!”

No reply.

“Tony?”

“Tony is dead,” came Tobey’s chilling voice.

“I’m sorry,” Carol said, not believing her ears.

“He’s _dead_. I killed him.”

“But why?”

Tobey shrugged. “I wanted to be the only superhero.”

Carol was angry. “But there are loads of superheroes, not just Tony. Look out there, I can see Ant Man and Captain America and Falcon. Over there I can see Black Widow sucking Hulks massive cock. Over there I see-”

“-I don’t care, Carol of House Pelletier. I killed Tony Stark. Got a problem? Deal with it muthafucca!!!”

With that, Tobey flew away even though they’re inside, he just flew away cos he’s dead and he can pretty much do whatever he wants.

Carol ran over to Tony’s lifeless body and started crying.

“You gotta get the brain,” Daryl said.

“I know that Daryl, I’ve been surviving just as long as you.”

Peter Parker came running into the room, out of breath and crying. “What happened? Where’s Mr Stark?”

Carol snorted. “So you’re the child he was fucking.”

“So you’re the hag he was fucking first?”

“Why you little-“

Daryl stepped between them and pointed at Tony’s dead body. “There, Kid.”

Peter ran over to Tony and held him. “Mr Stark? Hey? Mr Stark? Please wake up, it’s Peter. Hey… Tony? Wake up for me? I’m sorry… I’m so sorry I- I should have been here…”

*Loki’s play music begins*

“Son, he has to be taken to heaven,” Steven says, appearing out of nowhere. “Or else he’ll rise again in the army of the dead.”

Peter wipes away a tear and leans down to kiss Tony’s forehead.

“I love you Tony,” he whispers as angel!Steve pulls Tony away and up to heaven.

RIP TONY

_And now his watch has ended._

*Loki’s play music ends*

KAKAKAKAKAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ser Loras Tyrell was getting absolutely pounded by Robb Stark while a bunch of horny centaurs and Lawd KM watched like pervs.

Oh, and Bran.

If you looked closely, you’d see one of the centaurs had white eyes and Bran was currently warged into it.

KA

Steve on Ice was really something. Harry, Ron and Hermione were having the times of their lives! They were the only people watching, but currently Steve Rogers was skating around in a pink tutu and wearing a tiara to his own theme music.

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN…..

It was enough to make anyone get hard. Even Hermione was hard and she didn’t even have a dick.

Ron felt squirming in his trousers, and at first he thought it was his needy cock and then he realised it was his needy rat. His little Scabbers had snuck into his trousers. What a slut.

He felt the rat drop down through his trousers and emerge from the bottom. Ron grinned and went to pick him up but then all of a sudden Crookshanks ate him.

Crookshanks ate Scabbers. Wormtail. Peter. Pettigrew. Sweet Worm.

“HERMIONE, YOUR CAT JUST ATE MY RAT!”

“Oh, Ronald, you need to start taking better care of your pets!”

“He wasn’t just a pet to me! HE WAS MY LOVER!”

….

…….

Silence.

“I’m… sorry… your… _what_?”

“Uh….” Ron blushed from head to toe. “My… uh… my l-lover?”

“This is interesting. Let me grab some popcorn,” Harry said.

“Your pet rat was your lover?” Hermione asked, looking extremely disturbed.

Ron kicked his feet in the dirt. Steve did a pirouette. Hermione tapped her feet impatiently on the ground. Harry munched on popcorn.

“He wasn’t just a rat, he was a person. My person. My love.”

“I’m going to vomit,” Hermione said.

“I loved him and now he’s GONE, your stupid cat ATE HIM!”

Hermione shrugged. “Well, at least you’re no longer engaging in beastiality. Come, Harry. Let’s leave Ronald here to deal with the consequences of sleeping with a rat.”

Harry and Hermione left Ron alone to ponder and mourn over his lost love.

KaAaAaAAaAaAaAaAaaAA

“I got the kingslayer, Jaime,” Bellick said proudly, shoving a person towards Rack.

Rack removed the bag from the person’s head.

“This ain’t the kangslayer, it’s a teenager.”

“I _told_ him that,” James Potter said angrily.

“He said his name was Jaime,” Bellick said.

“JAMES.”

“Oh.”

“Ballick, take the child back to the castle, this ain’t the kangslayer.”

“I’m not a child, thank you very much, and I can take myself back to the castle,” James said angrily as Bellick removed his ropes that bound him.

As James walked back to the castle he came across none other than Regulus Black, the boy he loved.

“Reg,” he called.

Regulus turned to face him and scowled. “What do you want, Potter?”

“OMG YOUR EYE!”

“OMG MY EYE I COMPLETELY FORGOT!”

“WTF”

“HELP ME!”

James caught his breath, composed himself, and carefully helped Reg get his eye back into his socket. 

The way James had touched Reg’s eyeball so tenderly made Reg’s smol heart soar. James had been so gentle, caressing the ball like it was a newborn.

And Regulus was in love.

He went on his tiptoes and kissed James shyly on the lips.

“THAT’S MY BROTHER YOU PERVERT!” Sirius yelled, appearing from nowhere. 

“So?” James challenged.

“Don’t you _touch_ him,” Sirius said, grabbing Reg by the wrist and pulling him away from James The Perv™.

“Sirius, let me GO!” Regulus complained.

“Why so mad?” James asked.

“Because I… I love him too!”

“Sirius, you’re my brother, that’s gross and incest and- OH,” Reg was cut off when Sirius started snogging him right in front of James. Reg kissed back. It was incestuous and delicious. James was teeming.

Remus appeared.

“WHAT THE HELL! SIRIUS?!”

Remus grabbed Sirius and James grabbed Reg and Bran grabbed his cock as the scene unfolded in front of him. Just what he wanted – gay _drama_.

KAKAKA

It was literally still the middle of the night but there was an eclipse. Hermione noticed it and it clicked in her brain.

“When the sun and the moon converge…. Two souls will join and merge!”

“An eclipse!” Harry breathed, impressed.

As if on cue, as Ramsay was about to chop Jaskier’s dick off, the two similar-looking men merged as one – Raskier.

And at the same time, as Geralt was about to barge into the dungeon to save his bard and Lucius followed closely behind about to arrest him, the two similar-looking men merged as one – Gucius.

Gucius charged into the dungeon to see Raskier sitting there. 

Everything in the world just stopped as Gucius and Raskier stared at one another, everything seeming just MAKE SENSE. This was love. This was soulmates. This was OTP.

They ran towards each other and kissed so passionately that even Reek weeped with happiness in the background.

It was BEAUTIFUL.

KA KAKAKAAAKAKKAA

Brandon the Broken. It was nearly time. 

Kakaka

Loki was so happy. So unbelievably happy. He had a boyfriend, and not just any boyfriend, but his BROTHER. Thor, God of Thunder. Could he ask for more?

But he still felt haunted by his ex.

His ex was called Hana. He was a horse. Like an actual horse. A literal HORSE.

Anyway, Loki had a feeling Hana was still around somewhere. He stepped out of his fuckhole where he and Thor made love every night underneath Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Wizardry, and headed into the forest.

He couldn’t see his horse anywhere, he saw a couple of centaurs and a really creepy bich watching two Lords fucking. The creepy bich was doing a sort of chant.

“Pls fuck, oh pretty ones, please Loras my baby, my sweet rabbit, I got my cake and I’m eating it, please make passionate love, oh Loras, Robb eat his ass pls like I’m eating my cake, I want Dairy Milk™ right NOW, pls ma lady let me be a slut let me be a Wormtail, oh yeah Loras, keep it Tobe. I’m hungry.”

Feeling a sense of both sheer confusion at the lil bich’s speech and relief wash over him, he started heading back to his fuckhole.

As he was about to enter the hole, he heard a familiar neighing sound. Oh god. It was Hana, wasn’t it? 

He turned, and much to his dismay, the stallion stood, looking vengeful.

Loki put on one of his signature mischievous smiles. This only turned the horse on, he saw it’s huge dick start to triple in size.

“We ended things amicably,” Loki said calmly, holding both hands out towards the horse. “Let’s not ruin things now, shall we?”

Hana wasn’t having any of this; the angry horse galloped towards Loki, held him down, pulled his trousers down with its teeth and entered him hard and fast.

Loki screamed.

He was being mutilated by a horse in public.

“BROTHER HELP!” he yelled. “KORG, MEEK, DOUG, ROCKET, HELP!”

Korg was the only one who heard. He emerged from the fuckhole and spotted the God of Mischief getting fucked hard by a crazy horse, and pulled one of the rocks that made up his literal body off and hurled it at the horse.

Hana died.

“Thank you, Korg,” Loki said, breathing heavily. “You really saved me.”

“Hey man, what d’ya say we get outta here on that big spaceship?”

There was indeed a big spaceship. Loki agreed. They’d get outta there.

KAKAKAKAKAA

Barty was losing his mind. He had lost his boyfriend, the love of his life. He just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Slowly, but surely, his whole body started to disintegrate. His arm fell off, and then his toe. Then his foot fell off. He was FALLING APART without Reg. 

Panicking, he stumbled across the Hogwarts grounds and found The Winter Soldier, who was world renowned for having spare body parts.

“Please, I need your help!” he cried, showing Buck how his whole body was falling apart.

“Oh shit, here, on the house,” Buck said, giving Barty every spare body part he needed.

Barty’s eye fell out. 

This was karma, for making Reg’s eye fall out, and he knew it.

“Do you have a spare eye?” Barty asked.

“Here you go,” Buck said, handing him a new eye.

Barty put the new eye in and attached all his new body parts. Wow, he felt like a new person. 

No. He WAS a new person. He was no longer weighed down by the heartbreak from Reg (even tho it literally happened like an hour ago), he was no longer the excitable little boy with no backbone.

No.

He was a new person.

He was now Mad-Eye Moody. Cos he was Mad, he had an eye, and he was moody.

In the distance, Yennefer skips on the horizon, you can see her milksaccs bouncing in the wind.

Also in the distance, you can see Tobey laughing maniacally.

Raskier and Gucius are fucking.

Mad-Eye Moody was just about to go back to his dorm when suddenly a curious lil raccoon appeared.

“How much for the arm?”

“It’s not for sale,” Mad-Eye said.

“How much for the leg?”

“NOT. FOR. SALE.”

“Aww, I’ll get that leg,” the raccoon said mischievously. “If it’s the last thing I do!”

Kakakkakakakaka

Loki was walking onto his spaceship, closely followed by Korg and Meek and Doug and Rocket and Thor. He let the others get on the ship first, like a gentlegod, and as he was about to get on the ship, he was stopped by a dull monotone voice.

“You were beautiful that night.”

Loki turned to see Bran the Broken staring at him.

“The night you got raped by a horse.”

“Ooookay?”

“Farewell, Loki of Assgard.”

“Farewell, Bran the Broken.”

And with that, Loki and gang were never seen again.

KAKA

Crookshanks skulked around in the bushes. He tried to eat a couple of bugs, meowed a couple of times, got petted by Regulus Black too many times to count and eventually settled down to open his little kitty bowels.

After he finished pooping he ran away because he was tired.

The poop started moving, and then a rat emerged from inside it.

It was WORMTAIL.

He hastily turned back into a human and jumped into the Black Lake to get clean.

Peter Parker (TOM HOLLAND ONE) walked past and saw him bathing in the lake.

“Hey, I’m Peter, what are you doing over there?”

“i’m pitir too”

“I’m Petyr,” came a rattish voice. “Petyr Baelish.”

“I’m Peter too.”

It was Tobe.

Everyone ignored him.

“Don’t ignore your Lord Tobe,” Tobey continued.

“You’re not Peter, you’re Tobey. You can’t join this club,” Peter said. “Also you murdered my boyfriend.”

“my boyfren mourned my deth and then left me in a pile of shit,” Wormtail cried.

“I don’t have boyfriend but I can be both of your boyfriends if you’d like,” Petyr smirked like an old perv.

While they squabbled, Wormy caught sight of a wheelchair boy in the distance.

Something about that boy made Wormtail excited. He’d never seem someone so beautiful. Even from so far away, Wormtail just…. Knew. Ron hadn’t been the one for him. gems and moony hadn’t been the one for him.

This wheelchair kid was.

Wormtail walked naked out of the black lake, past the other Peters and towards his destiny.

The wheelchair kid wheeled slowly towards Wormtail too.

It was like it was meant to be.

When they finally came face to face, Wormtail smiled. Bran looked him straight in the eye.

“I want you,” Pitir breathed lustfully, still fully naked and not even bothered by the cold.

Bran stared for a good twenty seconds, looked into the camera with a smug smile and said,

“Why do you think I came all this way?”

THE END.

**KA**


End file.
